It was only a matter of time before this post happened.
I went to church yesterday. Wow, you say!
In fact I went to two different churches on Sunday, one straight after the other (after some mad dashing between three tube lines and arriving at the latter 10 minutes late).
As you have no doubt guessed, the churches I went to were not in the metropolis of Witney that I am living in for the next two weeks. I went to the big smoke to see what was on offer. The truth is, I went mainly to get the information these churches held about flats available, also to experience them to give myself an idea of whether or not either of these churches could be my 'home' for the next x months while we are living in London.
One of these churches (that's the third time I've written that word and I'm not even sure it's correct - should it be church's?) has a future, the other - does not. (Thanks Agent Smith) - well, it doesn't for me at least.
After getting up at the crack of dawn (otherwise known as 7am) to get to this church by 10:30 by catching two busses, and changing tube line three times, I was well and truly ready for a latte from a random corner coffee shot - only £1.60 - bargain!
I walked down the long driveway towards this church which is probably about 17 thousand years old (everything is old here) and couldn't find the entrance - tried to go to the kids church...
But was then greeted by a very helpful, bubbly young woman who showed me around and gave me the relevant guff (including the paper with all the flats - mission 1 accomplished). I then went in and sat down and got talking to a guy from Melbourne - small world man!
The service was excellent, the singing was professionally led, with the leader not saying a word - just leading the songs. He played the accoustic guitar and sung, had one back up singer and the keyboardist, percussionist and electric guitarist sung back up too. Then there was the bassist and the drummer. Great band actually - great voice on the leader and excellent songs sung. A good time was had by all. Then the first weird thing happened. Weird because it's different to what I've ever experiences - not because I thought it was dodgy. They were praying for people and they asked the whole church to pray - outloud. So all you could hear was the din of humalahubalahumala of a few hundred people praying - it was actually quite cool, but was different to what I'd ever seen, or heard.
I then heard Rev. Nicky Gumbel speak - in the flesh. Some of you might know him from a certain evagelical program called Alpha. So that was cool. The church was Holy Trinity Brompton, and it is a church I could see myself going to when we move to London.
I then left as quickly as I could to get back to the tube station to get to the next church which would be graced by my presence. It was this church that I was looking forward to going to more that the first, not because I think I'll ever go back (so I thought up until yesterday) - but because I've heard so much about it, mostly negative and had made decisions about this church before I'd ever been. I was hoping to be pleasantly surprised.
The church: Hillsong London.
I ended up arriving 10 minutes late because of not really knowing where I was going with the tube so arrived at the Dominion Theatre (which by the way will be showing Ben Elton's We Will Rock You shortly) to be seated by a friendly South African girl with an ID badge and wearing a black T Shirt (what does that remind you of?) - while of course the singing was in full swing with the bass giving me a fully body massage.
I had told myself to get into it as much as I could, which as you can guess was pretty difficult for me. But when my eyes began to focus again after the ridiculously loud low frequencies had almost made them roll around like a lotto ball, I saw
the band.
There was a line of 7 singers on the front of the stage, the two centre guys playing accoustic guitars. The three girls were stunning and the guys looked like they should be in a CK advert. Behind them, in the middle of the stage was a short stocky 40-something year old guy who was bouncing around doing a similar dance to that of Gollum when gets the ring off Frodo before he falls into the lava. Behind him was the two keyboardists, two electric guitarists and the drummer.
Lets recap - 4 guitars, 2 keyboards and 7 singers - and the old dude.
13 people on the stage - leading the quote-unquote worship.
Was my back up, a little - the only reason it wasn't up a lot was because I knew where I was and I had expected this.
The singing stopped and we had the offering - here we go... The guy was introduced using all three of his names as if it was something epic about to happen and he read a quote from Frank Lampard (the England/Chelsea footballer who has the much-coveted title of being the highest shot taker in the recent world cup - and didn't score from any of them - poor guy), who said something about as long as I'm contrinuting to the team, it doesn't matter if I score goals or not. The correlation of course is that it doesn't matter what you're doing in the church, as long as you are contributing - financially of course. He then read a couple of Psalms that implied blessing if you give. Man was I ready to give my hard earned cash - it seems like it's a sure fire way of getting rich! Somehow I stopped myself from giving them my two credit cards and the cash I had in my wallet.
So then we had some more pounding songs about how great God is and how good I feel and then we had an AV production - which, to their credit really impressed me. Very professional and clever editing effects - wish I had whatever software they use.
And then, here's the best bit - the sermon began. Right, I thought - time to get into God's word, or "come around the word" as the old Gollum dancer put it - who as it turns out is Gary Clarke, the senior pastor. It began, and I can summarise the 30 minutes of speaking to 6 points. The idea was what he hoped for us as the congregation for the next 12 months (because of course the year is just beginning here).
1. That we will be able escape the mundane in our life
2. That we will be more like Christ ("not in words and deeds, but become more perfect like Christ is perfect" - those are his words, not my interpretation)
3. That we will be materially better off at the end of the year
4. That we will be able to rescue someone this year
5. That we begin and develop genuine friendships
6. That we will have a "starbucks" - find a happy place and that place was church.
WHAT THE? (sometimes I wish I could use language that I know I'm not meant to)
Had I not been me, I would have been feeling so good about being a Christian and going to church.
Instead I had all of the concerns I have confirmed as valid and not just what I had heard.
What a load of bollocks!
As quickly as I could I went and looked at the flat information and got out of there, looking forward to my first subway sandwhich in who knows how long, thinking man I'm glad I wont be going back there again.
Then my sister who's coming up tomorrow night says to me can we go to Hillsong London this weekend. Grrrrrr
